Overcoming My Body Dysmorphia: A Very Personal Essay
One of the hardest years in my own recovery was when I stopped looking anorexic.
It seemed like it happened overnight. One night I was okay – I was coasting. I was doing all the things - showing up, eating the food, in recovery and then suddenly something changed. I woke up and my whole body felt different. When I looked in the mirror I looked like a different person. Like my body had gone a completely different direction from what I was used to.
Still to this day – I don’t know how much things in my body had changed or if they had even changed at all. But it didn’t matter because everything had changed to me and it felt bad.
It is a whole point in recovery that can’t be explained because on the outside nothing might look different. But on the inside everything has changed.
It could be 1 lbs, it could be 30. The number doesn’t matter just like it never has. The number doesn’t change how you feel or what you see. The number never will.
Because it isn’t the number
It is you
For a long time I couldn’t figure out why I was so triggered. Why could I barely hold it together being in my body or feeling my body. What was going on. Why were things suddenly changing – I hadn’t done anything different. Why did it feel so different.
It took me a full year to realize that the panic and the excruciating pain from being in my body was because I didn’t look anorexic anymore.
It wasn’t that my size had really changed or things were noticeable to anyone else – but there were subtle changes in my body- things that I could see and things that I could feel. These subtle changes were showing that after years of not getting what it needed my body was starting to heal. It was starting to get healthy.
It was terrifying.
Healthy for someone with an eating disorder is not a compliment. It is a trigger.
Healthy means that you are here. It means that you are choosing to be here, despite all of the emotional pain and trauma and fear and overwhelm. Healthy means that you are checking back into life when the eating disorder has been trying for years to check you out. Healthy means that life and people have the power to break you before you can break yourself.
It is terrifying. Being in the eating disorder it keeps all of the other feelings you are trying avoid at bay. When you aren’t engaing in those behaviours anymore – when you aren’t anorexic anymore suddenly all of those feelings you were trying to avoid are right there at the forefront. It is exhausting and overwhelming and you feel like your body is gigantic even though the truth is it just doesn’t look sick anymore.
It is as simple as that. Not looking sick, looking healthy it feels bad.
In an eating disorder your body: It is a reason that you are worthless. It is a reason for people to leave you. It is a reason to be rejected over and over again. It is a reason to feel like you don’t belong. It is a reason to see yourself as ugly or stupid or unnecessary etc.
So when your body is getting healthy all of those things become even more pronounced and more intense. Your healthy body becomes the reason why all of the bad things happen. It is NOT true but it FEELS true.
It is a battle every single day to be okay in your body. It is a battle to remind yourself that your worth does not begin or end with your body and your food choices. It is a battle to remind yourself that food is not the enemy, that while you may feel excess you have to eat anyways. It does not feel good. But that doesn’t mean it is bad.
And in the end all you can do is talk about it. Because if you don’t it will kill you from the inside out.
If you want to learn more about how Naturopathic Medicine can help support disordered eating, click here.
Ready to make a change?
Remember that you are not alone in this. Support for eating disorders is available through Naturopathic Medicine and many other tools. I am always sending so much love and support. If you’d like to learn more about how Naturopathic Medicine can help, you can book a free 15 minute consult with me.
Sending so much love,
Dr. Alexandra Sisam, ND